True Belief
Sometimes in life it seems no matter how many times you are told something it takes more than words to realize what has been told to you again and again.
I had not planned on visiting Grammy last night but I instead was going to take the girls someplace fun like monster golf, or the park or even just to Target anywhere that didn’t require stressful emotions. This date of all dates is always very difficult for me.
They were in the car all strapped in and I said guess where we are going. Ashley said she hopes we were going to see Great Grammy because it will be the last time. Hmmmmm. I explained that she would not be the same as the last time and that she cries out. Sarah said just like Sick Grandma but we stayed with her please can we go. Ahh Sick Grandma, this date of her last day. My kids still remember.
My first moment for the evening of God’s push was the girls saying this to me. Most kids their age would scream NOOOOOO I don’t want to go I want to play but instead mine asked to see her.
They walked in the room knowing she was not alert to understand they were there. They saw her arms go up in the air reaching and Cozzie told them she was having reaction to medicine but Ashley said no she isn’t she sees her angel who is waiting for her.
I asked how do you know this she said I just know. I literally stood there thinking what shows she watched lately what books she read to even think about this. My mind not grasping the reality of her belief.
She wanted me to read from the Bible to Grammy but I didn’t know which verse and said I would call Mrs. Macaleer tomorrow she will know. Apparently this was not sufficient because she went in the other room and called you. Ashley came in the room and took out Pap’s Bible and looked for the verse you gave her. She read it to Grammy. And even Cozzie and Dale stood in amazement as Grammy opened her eyes looking at Ashley and smiled. Ashley said see Grammy wanted to hear that.
It was time for Grams medicine and I was ready for the battle that occurred every time with Cozzie. I was prepared for the fight. Instead he looked at me and said if I give her this it is like I am killing her.
It was then at that very moment I could see the pain and was taken back to my own pain from a few short years ago this day exactly. And I said to him you are not killing her. She is in such pain and it is like torture. You are only helping with the pain. She is already halfway home. You have to let her go or she will continue to struggle to stay for you. You need to put Gram before your own pain of losing her. She wants to go. She wants to be free of the pain. Nothing you can do will stop her from leaving us please let her be comfortable as she moves on. As her son let this be your greatest act of kindness for your Mom.
Within these words I found the comfort I needed to know I did not kill my mother. I believed you both but still at times my doubt crept back in. But last night I felt at peace with my care for her. And I laughed in knowing that Grammy blamed me for her daughters death all these years and yet in the end it was Grammy that freed me from that same guilt by letting her child know he was not killing her.
I thank you both for being so patient with me but more importantly I want to thank you both for helping Sarah and Ashley know true belief.