Tackling the Weeds

Ashley is not handling the chemo well right now. They have adjusted the dosage and she will continue with the medication, at a little lower dosage and she will be allowed on a cycle where she will be able to take one day every 9 days without any medication. And she is being put on medication for her stomach to prevent any further bleeding ulcers that are occuring from all the chemo medication. I think those are what is causing her the most pain right now. She has lost so much blood and it is hard to control the bleeding disorder and anemia along with the leukemia.

She was beginning that tired far off look again last night. These times scare me the most. She is strong willed but sometimes it is so much for her. She is just a child. I worry that these moments of her disappearing within mean she is giving up. I know the feeling of disappearing within and I pray so hard she does not go down that path. I beg God to please help her maintain that strong willed stubborness that, at times, drives me insane. I want the insanity more than the dispare.

But then….

We had a visitor and it sure put a spark in both girls. Farmer Greg stopped by on his way to the Redstone Meeting.

“Farmer Greg came ALLLLL the way from Pine Springs to see US and can you believe he brought us PS Camp Chips Ahoy Ice Cream Sandwiches. How awesome was that? ”

He brought them Tshirts and a stuffed toy as well. It is not that they did not appreciate or enjoy these gifts, but they were not as monumental as the Ice Cream. The same Ice Cream that you can buy in the store yet it absolutely positively is not the same ice cream as what they have at Pine Springs Camp. It obviously tastes different.

They were still so excited about his visit they could not fall asleep that night. I found one laying on the hall floor and the other halfway on/off the steps. After picking them up and carrying them to bed my thoughts went to how lucky my children are as well as how grateful I am for those who commit their lives to nurturing children’s faith. It is through children that Christianity can continue to grow.

My first thoughts that evening were how I envied their childlike faith. God, Jesus, Christianity is. It just is. No doubt no worry and no other way to explain it. JESUS JUST IS.

Often I find my faith dwindles down at times. I feel like I am a flower within a bed of weeds. The weeds choke me and I am unable to stand strong to receive the sunshine and rain needed to continue to grow. I begin to feel smothered and instead give in to the weeds; allowing them to take over. Before I realize it I am like the weeds. Bitter, angry, doubtful and negative to everything surrounding me. I long for the feeling of warmth that comes when you see a beautiful flower. I long for the soft touch of someone’s hand as they feel my petals and pick me, placing me in a vase with many other beautiful flowers. I, along with my many other flower friends become part of their daily lives. We work together to bring a beauty to one’s life and create an aroma that lingers long after we must go away. I longed for this. But instead I had given into the weeds. I had shrunk down and had lost my color so no one would pick me. No one wants to be reminded of the cold cruel world by staring at a drooping lonely flower in a vase each day.

This describes how I feel about Christianity. There will always be those who do not believe. There will always be those who try to make you understand their way is the only way. But if you surround yourself with those who do believe then you will not be smothered when the struggles come and attempt to take your faith away. You will instead have those that water you each day giving you the strength you need to see past the struggle, raising yourself high and strong so you can feel the warmth of much needed sun or in this case the warmth of another’s heart.

I was a weed for a little while. I no longer felt warmth. Or more likely I resisted the warmth. Maybe it was the same fear, the worry of rejection, my inability to trust. Whichever it was I let the weeds take over for a long time.

But then I sensed enough warmth to help me begin my journey back to becoming a flower. My warmth has come from simple things such as a visit from someone very special for my children. Their happiness chipping away at my stubborn weed roots. It has come from a simple line in an email that says I support you 100% allowing my weed armor to soften enough to allow trust in my heart again. It has come from a child who eagerly wants to learn and grow more in her own faith as she reminds me often of the angels God has chosen for her. It has come from a voice within reminding me of my childhood faith. A voice that sounds just like my Grandmommy.

I am ready to tackle my fellow weeds and begin to stand strong again. Strong enough that maybe someday a fellow weed will see my strength and want to follow me as well.