Hope

Is it just a feeling? An expectation? Or just a desire for something good to happen.

We all need it. We all have it. We are all born with it and the ability to know and believe in something bigger than ourselves.

But then things happen, and life gets hard.

If you are not careful and don’t protect it, you will lose it. Hope then becomes inanition.

Without Hope bad situations only get worse.

But if you can hold onto hope even in the toughest storms, eventually, you will find peace.

Often within my life I am pushed to the point of losing Hope. I struggle with the uncertainty and I begin to question my faith. Time and time again I find myself in the same position I found myself in tonight. Sitting in the middle of the floor in the middle of the night looking upwards and asking God…Why?????

Or even better yet….

When God will I find peace? When can I rest? When can I feel like a real Christian? What will it take? What am I doing wrong that displeases you so greatly?

I even tried to convince God that I am trying to live a good life. A life worthy of his love. I even go so far as to give him a checklist as if he cannot see this for himself.

• I don’t swear. I don’t abuse alcohol.

• I defend the elderly or those in need.

• I belong to a church.

• I volunteer.

• I tithe as I should even though we cannot afford to with mounting medical bills.

• I feed the poor.

• I raise my children to be sympathetic towards those less fortunate.

• I have learned to forgive.

Tonight, as I fell to the floor on my knees telling God these and other things in a less than subtle quiet voice, adamant in my quest to please him to feel close to him. Practically begging God to please help me. My cries fade into deep thoughts. It seems to me the harder I concentrate and try to obey the commands the bible has the more I feel I am not worthy. I beg God to please help me understand and decipher the Bible better. I try to find verses that will help me in each situation because that is what Christians are supposed to do. Instead I get frustrated at my lack of knowledge leading to feelings of failure and despair. How does one follow the words of God when it is so hard to understand the meaning behind the words? Is this how all Christians feel or is it just me? Most of times I believe it is just me and this the reason why I struggle to carry conversations with Christians. I worry they will see behind my mask and realize that I am a dummy when it comes to the Bible. I stay distant to hide my lack of knowledge.

I stopped my rampage for just a second to catch my breath. It was at this time I heard a voice, “Are you ready to listen?” Startled, I looked around to see who said that. Are my children or husband awake? Did a stranger enter my home at 3 am? Where did it come from? I tried to focus on the voice I heard. It sounded like my voice, but the words were nothing I had been thinking. Am I beginning to hallucinate? Are my fears becoming reality?

I heard the voice again. “I have given you so much and yet it does not seem enough for you”.

I looked around at all that was in front of me until I heard “My gifts are not things. Things are not what should make my children happy”.

I do not feel worthy of God but as I thought longer tonight I realize I really am NOT worthy of God. Nobody is. I do not deserve God’s love. But that does not mean that he does not still love me. There is no way I could ever live up to the expectations “I” feel God would want of me. That would be impossible because only he alone is perfect. I need to believe that I cannot perform for God. I need to learn to depend on Him instead.

I find myself realizing that I keep God in the same place I keep everyone else. Distant. Just as I do for everyone; when I am in need I become silent and hide until I feel I can breathe. Internally I beg for help and yet I make it impossible for others to enter in my world of chaos in order to help me. I put impossible expectations on God giving him ultimatums. If you help me I will change. You cannot bargain with God. I need to allow God to take ahold of my heart and soul in order to allow his spirit within me to continue to build in me the desire and capacity to live a holy life before Him..not for Him. This will be the only way I can feel at peace amongst the chaos of my life.

I think about the love a child. How it feels. Even now as I think of my children my heart swells and I am grateful to have been blessed with them. God formed them into who they are, two beautiful spirits and so full of love. They did not have to earn my love. It was there when I was eight years old and imagined the love I would have for my child when I grew up. I knew everything I had hoped for me I would in turn give to them. Complete Love. Unending Love. Unconditional Love. Love without boundaries. This love was there for them the minute I found out I was pregnant. It gets stronger each second of each minute of each day. No matter what they do, I will always love them. I know they will break my heart. They have an incredible amount of independence and a constant need to prove that they do not need me or my help. I laugh as I think of how this would be the trait they learn from me instead of a one more worth having. I remind them to remember to ask for help before you get in too deep. The words I need to listen to as my Father above must shake his head when I too become distant and independent. I know they will make bad choices. It will not matter! I will still love them and I will always be there for them. I envision this is what God is trying to say to me tonight.

So tonight, instead of whining, to God as I “talk” to Him, I am going to pray to God. Pray with my heart not my mind.

Dearest Lord God my Father,

I am indeed grateful for all that I have. I know I would not have any of it, if it weren’t for you. You do not physically provide these material things to me, but you have given me the internal strength to continue to persevere through the turbulence in my life. Each day as I try to rid my life of the clutter around me no matter the form it takes, I realize I have misguided your intentions for my gift of perseverance. I sense it was not given to me to work harder to obtain things, but instead to survive to help those who need help. With your help I hope to focus more on this. I ask you Dear Lord to please clear my heart of the clutter that has contributed to my need for material items as well as the need for approval of others. I strive to learn that the only approval I really need is yours. The material things only fill up space and will not fill the hole in heart. Those who are not true friends should not be the one’s my heart listens to. I pray that once I understand I do not need what I think I need, my heart will follow its rightful path to what is truly important.

I am overwhelmed. And I have begged for your help to unload all these worries and burdens. Instead my prayer to you is to please open my heart to receive you completely so I can let go to let you take control, so my burdens do not become so plentiful that I become overwhelmed in the first place.

I pray that you can help me see clearly and to feel you entirely.

I thank you as well for not giving up on me. I know my burdens are not a way for you to show me that if I don’t shape up and change, then my life will always have troubles. Instead I understand my troubles will come no matter what but I am not alone.

I pray that you continue to work on me so that I can learn to better trust myself so that I can no longer be swayed by others. I pray that I learn to speak my own thoughts to those I can trust. I pray you help me learn who I can trust. I pray for guidance on learning to trust those you have placed in my life and allow them in to help me during times of distress.

Finally, my dear Father, I ask that as your spirit enters my heart that I learn to become free from the past and instead begin to live in the present moment. Allow me the opportunity to guide my children in the way I wish to be guided by you.